October 31, 2012

I'm dressing as a slutty _____ for Halloween.

I'm a single girl. It's our job to dress like a slutty version of ourselves on Halloween.

Here's a list of some of my slutty costumes (and a large percentage of them have been successful for this single girl, if you know what I mean) in case you need a last minute idea:

  • Slutty Pirate aka "Whore of the Caribbean"
  • Slutty Little Red Riding Hood
  • Slutty Girl Scout aka "Boy Scout"
  • Slutty Panda 
  • Slutty Mermaid
  • Slutty Cookie Monster 
  • Miley Cyrus (no slutty required)
  • Slutty Cowgirl
  • Slutty Minnie Mouse
But my most successful costume (even though I didn't meet anyone that night) would have to be...


Slutty Spelling Bee
Nerdy glasses and cleavage for the win.

October 30, 2012

C-block strikes again!

Guy with dog = chick magnet
Girl with dog = red flag
Girl with dog wearing a cone = cock block

I think my dog wants me to be alone forever. Instead of being cool and playing catch or wrestling with potential suitors, he's crying in the corner because his leg itches and now he's wearing a cone.

I might as well be wearing the cone myself.
I couldn't sleep because I could hear him sitting on his dog bed whining.
After feeling me tossing and turning, the guy finally says, "Just let him up. It's fine."

...And then we had a dog barrier laying between us.

Fail.

cone of shame



October 24, 2012

Hot N Cold

He Likes Me!
He invites me to dinner.

He Doesn't Like Me.
For the next two weeks he only wants to see me after he's been out drinking.

He Likes Me! 
He invites me over just to hang out, knowing I'm umm...out of commission.

He Doesn't Like Me.
....then jokes that I'll owe him.

He Likes Me!
He invites me out on a Saturday night (prime time) to a bar where some of his friends will be.

He Doesn't Like Me.
"Hey, this is my friend Lindsay."

He Likes Me!
Public display of affection.

He Doesn't Like Me.
I think that happened after a few drinks. Doesn't count.

katy perry hot and cold
wikipedia

Ugh. I'm living a Katy Perry song. Low point.



October 23, 2012

Taking It Back, Tuesdays #9

I think this is the last post of this series, unless I can think of more stories that won't get me in trouble for sharing... I'm running out of exes! (Thank goodness.)

The Not-So-Virginal Virgin

cartoon whisper rumor
I had two boyfriends in my high school years, and this one was the second. He was older. And by older I mean one whole grade older -- which made him SO much cooler than me (at least that's what he made me think). This is the story of how he helped spread a false rumor that I had gonorrhea in high school.

Mid-way through my junior year of high school, when I was dating The Not-So-Virginal Virgin, I contracted mono. I got horribly sick and had no idea why my throat was so sore, so I went to the doctor. She examined my throat and saw the infection taking over. She asked, "Are you sexually active?" Considering my boyfriend was a virgin, I was confused by this question.

Are we talking about BEFORE I started dating him? The Not-So-Virginal Virgin considered me something of a slut for having slept with one person. He was waiting for marriage. Or are we talking about the hand and mouth stuff that "virgins" are totally cool with? Apparently, if you give head to a guy who has gonorrhea, you can get the infection inside your mouth. Geez, that is fucking disgusting and so NOT what I had. But I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend what she said.

He was not pleased with the test results showing I had mono, either. "How could you get mono if I don't have it?" The stupid "kissing disease" can be passed around in lots of ways, asshole. I'm not a cheater. Anyway, I felt like absolute crap...and he made it worse. He dumped me.

He said he couldn't risk getting sick because of his "volleyball career."

So I was completely sick for a month, my boyfriend broke up with me and went to prom with someone else, and my other high school ex (The Bad Boy) called to make sure I didn't have gonorrhea....a rumor he heard at school in my absence. Awesome. Junior year was a great year.

FYI, The Not-So-Virginal Virgin boned his next girlfriend. His punishment for having sex before marriage? She hated sex. Sucks for him.


October 22, 2012

Ten People I Envy

...right now.
***Warning: This post was written under the influence of wine.***

  1. The girl who just posted a photo of the bouquet of flowers her boyfriend got her "just because."
  2. The guy who is taking his new girlfriend on vacation next weekend...and posting about it publicly on Facebook.
  3. The girl who is out on Friday night with five of her hot, single girlfriends meeting a ton of cute guys and not caring what comes of it.
  4. The adorable hipster couple that sat in front of me at The xx concert, cuddled up in blankets drinking wine together.
  5. My dog. Asshole sleeps all day and then I come home because it's the responsible thing to do...and he ignores me because my roommate has chicken.
  6. My ex's girlfriend that I stalk on instagram who just posted a photo of them celebrating their two-year anniversary.
  7. My roommate who is in her late thirties and doesn't seem to give a shit that she's single. She owns a house.
  8. The guys who can have sex with a girl for months and not feel emotionally attached. Because I just can't do that.
  9. My friends that made a career out of singing, dancing, and/or acting. I'm a quitter.
  10. Hot girls. Damn you.

At least I have this incriminating photo of
Oliver and the Big Dick Bunny


October 19, 2012

The Over-Texter

Remember Sarcastic Profile Guy from Monday's post? I gave him my number.

BIG MISTAKE.

I know he thinks it's the girls who are totally crazy, but I think it might be him. He's texting me WAY too much. It's annoying. There has to be balance, people!


There are so many things that are wrong about this "conversation." 
  • The first text was at 9:45am, fifteen minutes after I got to work. Too early to text if I don't really know you.
  • "Good to meet up tomorrow?" is NOT asking a girl out on a first date. That's why I didn't reply.
  • But he didn't give up. 10am is a little better than 9:45am.
  • Yup, I still didn't reply.

This is why he's 34 and single. 


October 18, 2012

Please excuse my lack of enthusiasm.

I got an email after yesterday's post:

"Hey there. Sounds like you're getting pretty jaded with all the online dates. If you aren't feeling the butterflies anymore, maybe you should stop."

That's the third person to tell me I'm "jaded." I hate that stupid word.

jad·ed/ˈjādid/
 

Adjective:
Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

I wouldn't label myself as "jaded." Sure, I'm just as tired of being single as the next soon-to-be 28 year-old whose Facebook is filled with engagements, weddings, and pregnancy announcements. But I wouldn't say I've had too much of dating. It hasn't lost its appeal. Love is awesome.

I know what the butterflies feel like, I just don't expect them on a first date with someone I met online. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone interesting out in the real world? It's just not the same with online dating. The first date is more of a test...to see if you want to go on a real life date with them. You just want to be sure they look like what they said they look like, and screen them for the psycho-gene. It's not as organic as real life.

So, please excuse my lack of enthusiasm. My butterflies are still alive; they're just not getting their hopes up too soon.

However, if being "jaded" means I am Mila Kunis in the Aerosmith music video, I'm all in!


mila kunis jaded



October 17, 2012

The Speed Dater

Another first date.

He seemed nice online. He acted very quickly, suggesting a coffee meet-up. I agreed. I arrived at the local Starbucks right on time. He paid for my pumpkin spice latte. That is possibly the most exciting part of the date. 

The Speed Dater must have prepared a list of questions:

"Tell me about..."

Next topic.

"Tell me about..."

Next topic.

"Tell me about..."

And then he checked his phone. The Speed Dater told me he was starving and needed to go so he could eat dinner. I was home within an hour.

Hmmm. Was it something I said? Think back to topics, Lindsay...Very typical conversations: music, traveling, Israel, work, family.

Maybe The Speed Dater was really hungry. Or maybe he wasn't into me. I won't hold my breath for his call.

Mmmm pumpkin spice latte. 

pumpkin spice


October 16, 2012

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #8

The Co-worker

newport beach peninsula

It was a very fragile time in my life when I began working at a little mom-and-pop restaurant in Newport Beach. First night on the job, I ended up hanging out with a group of my new co-workers and one of them told me I was beautiful and he wanted to marry me. We kissed. He wasn't at all what I was looking for, but I will admit it was convenient.

We had quite the dramatic "relationship." Working together meant fighting about work...WHILE at work...before work, and after work. But somehow we kept finding each other. One moment he would tell me I had saved his life, the next he was throwing a fit because flowers were delivered to me while I worked my Valentine's Day shift (they were from one of my best friends...a girl). Talking to her last weekend, I thought about my time with him. I can't remember most of it. Perhaps I blacked it out because it ended so badly. (I moved to Israel. He stopped talking to me. He moved on after about a week. He got married. He had a baby.) But the greatest blessing from that relationship was the package deal that came out of it: his friends. 

The Co-worker was a transplant. And one by one...his friends moved to Newport, eventually filling a house. My best friend is right: I didn't just date him. I was the house girlfriend. I spent many a night dancing with those boys. I've seen all four of them running around ass-naked (not by choice) and I know whose dick is the biggest. They took care of me, too...but most importantly they knew that when I spent the night, they could probably get a free breakfast the next morning at our favorite local spot.

On this particular morning, I woke up in the house that smelled of surfers, cigarettes, and beer after a night at a lingerie party The Co-worker bartended. I ran around the house, jumping on beds to get the boys to go to breakfast. But since I only had my nighty from the party (covered by The Co-worker's jacket) we needed a pit stop at my place. We piled in the car and started the half-mile commute. The Co-worker thought it would be funny to roll down the windows, blasting his music and honking to wake up sleepy Newport Beach. And right as we pulled into my alley, a cop turned on her sirens. I died. The cop would surely see my outfit was only underwear. She came to the window and could immediately smell the alcohol from the night before. The Co-worker took a DUI test. The roommates and I couldn't help but giggle. The situation couldn't have been more awkward until...on the patio above our car, a dog started taking a massive shit. The Co-worker barely passed the test, and we made it safely to the restaurant. After such a hilariously typical event, I offered to buy breakfast for the group.

He ordered two meals. Then puked in the parking lot. 
...Did I mention he's married now? And has a baby?


Good times. Love those boys.

October 15, 2012

Best Time to be Online

Ladies, I have just discovered the best time to be "online" on a dating site: Sunday afternoon. 

It's football season. So what are all the guys I don't want to date doing? Watching football. Maybe it's because I grew up in LA, but frankly I don't care at all about this sport. I'm sure tailgating is fun, and I'll be a good sport and go to a bar to watch a game...but you should know I'm only attending either for the beer.

It's also the day after Saturday. Yes I know that's obvious. But I mean it's the day after Saturday NIGHT. A lot of people, including me, are so fucking a little bit hungover that they are just enjoying their couch and catching up on their DVR on this fine afternoon. All the time in the world to be online...

So here I am, writing back and forth with a guy online. I've gotten about ten messages this afternoon and only one of them is even remotely attractive. That's a pretty standard ratio. I responded to Sarcastic Profile Guy because of his funny profile. Um, ya...that's why I gave him that name. I know my creativity is astounding. Apparently he's had a few crazy dates on this site, and so have I. I even mentioned blogging in my first reply, because honestly I think he wouldn't care. And he didn't even ask about it. Awesome.

Hey, if it doesn't work out (and it probably won't), maybe he'll want to guest post.

And the award for funniest profile goes to:




October 12, 2012

Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):
  1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
  2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
  3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
  4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
  5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
  6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
  7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
  8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
  9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
  10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.
cone of shame

What do you think, people?



October 11, 2012

Zombies are not a turn on.

I remember, as a teenager, thinking that scary movies were great with a boy. I can get all scared, and he can have an excuse to hold me...it's perfect! Now that I'm a bit older, I'm not so sure where this appeal comes from.

zombie sex

This guy and I were hanging out one night, and he suggested we start watching The Walking Dead. A TV show about Zombies? Um, ok...I did hear it's pretty good. We started the very first episode, and I could barely hear any sound. I knew something bad was going to happen. It's about fucking Zombies! [Wait, no. It's not about fucking zombies. It's about THE fucking zombies. Ew.]

Anyway, I'm already scared and thinking this is the perfect time for cuddling up in his arms, but then it started getting gore-y. Oh gross, these zombies are so disgusting!

He started touching my neck, playing with hair, clearly trying to distract me. He was smiling, but my face was frozen. My body was so confused! Should I get turned on? His kisses felt so good...
But OH MY GOD that woman has only half a body and she's crawling around trying to eat people! C'mon!!!

I'm not sure if this guy is:
a) turned on by zombies
b) wanted me to associate sex with gross half-dead people
c) thinks it's funny to fuck with me

Let's go with option c. 


October 10, 2012

I'm too competitive.

This is why I don't play sports. I am generally not good at them, and I HATE being bad at them.

Please don't ask me to participate in any of the following activities during a date:


  • Mini-golf ~ I will throw my club at you if I don't make it into the clown's mouth.
  • Video games ~ Seriously, I hate them. Play on your own time. If I show up at your house and you invite me to sit and play, the date (and our relationship) is officially over.
  • Batting cages ~ I will hurt myself...and then you.
  • Go Karts ~ I hate driving.
  • Trivia ~ I know it's not a sport, but it's still competitive...and I suck. 
The one exception is drunk bowling. It may be a sport, and I may suck at it....but I see you are checking out my ass as I approach the lane. Good boy.



October 9, 2012

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #7

The Trenchcoat Guy


Let's talk about my first kiss. It was 2001. Which means I looked something like this...


Who wouldn't want to kiss a girl with such a beautiful Jew-fro??

I was a drama nerd. So obviously my crush was another boy from drama...He was one of my best friends at the time. I delivered hand-written letters to him on a weekly basis. I spent hours on the home phone talking to him until one of us fell asleep. I believed every word he spouted to me. And then I helped him start dating my friend. He always told me our timing was off. But one day he came over to my house (while still dating my friend) and told me his relationship (because high school relationships are SO very serious) was ending.

"All I want...is to be your first kiss," he said.

I had butterflies. He leaned in on my bed, and kissed me ever so gently. At the time, I thought something magical happened. After he left, I spent the next hours in heaven. I thought my time had finally come! Silly girl. I tried to reach him the next day, but he didn't answer. When he finally called me back, my heaven closed up. He felt guilty. He told my friend what happened. She was very angry, and asked him to stop being my friend. "What?!? I thought you said it was over with her!" He told me it was a mistake, and said goodbye.

You'd think getting your heart broken would be bad enough, but the story didn't end there. It spiraled out of control. My "friend" blamed me for her boyfriend's infidelity, and started pitting our other friends against me. Somehow I became the town slut with just one little kiss...way before I started writing about blowjobs and crooked dicks. The gossip of how it all went down became ridiculous...

"I heard you showed up at his house in only a trenchcoat. And when he opened the door, you opened it up and exposed yourself! And I heard you guys did everything but sex!"

  1. I couldn't drive. So obviously my mom dropped me off at a boy's house in the middle of a summer day wearing a trenchcoat, and thought nothing of it?? Nope.
  2. "Did everything but sex?" C'mon! I was 15. And I didn't even know what that would entail. I was a BIG TIME PRUDE back then.
  3. A trenchcoat? Really?!?
Maybe this experience led me to a life of thinking I was never good enough to be someone's girlfriend. Or maybe it made me stronger because I realized how retarded people can be at a young age. Either way it's pretty funny because she and I are STILL not friends. And he has always been one of the strongest supporters of my writing. We're all fucked up. 




October 8, 2012

Are you my "Fluffer?"

I'm feeling a need to comment on last week's episode of New Girl.

new girl nick jess
As I closed the door behind my friend who had gone with me to Olive Garden for the never-ending pasta bowl in honor of the Glee characters' favorite restaurant "Breadsticks," I wondered...



"Are you my Fluffer?"


As any girl from the San Fernando Valley aka Capital of Porn would know, a fluffer keeps the man aroused while he waits for the camera to start rolling. In this particular episode, the boys accuse Nick of being Jess' Emotional Fluffer. She is trying to just have casual sex with her man, while calling on Nick for the boyfriend-y type things like assembling her dresser.

I guess I can kind of relate to this situation. I haven't had a "boyfriend" in a very long time. My last relationship was long distance, so he wasn't exactly there to take me to dinner, tell me what's wrong with my car, or hang things on my wall. I've always counted on my two best guy friends for those kind of things...I frequently bring them as my "plus one" to various work and family events.

I've never really thought that might be unfair to my friend, so oopsies. All the work of being a boyfriend, none of the benefits.

So, Pinata: Thanks for always fixing my car and checking my oil/tires, for taking me to dinner, and for attending any and all events I ask you to! 

P.S. I know you've thought about having sex with me. 

October 5, 2012

I won't message you back if... #4

...you're looking for a girlfriend for your wife.



I don't want to be your princess. But I do appreciate the recognition that I am one.


October 4, 2012

Grocery Guy

groceries
It's no secret that the grocery store is a common place to check out, and potentially hit on, attractive people. While I cannot recommend dating someone who works at a grocery store, I will say I enjoy being approached while doing my shopping. I really need to learn to dress a little cuter when I go...I'm always wondering why guys approach me when I'm in sweats, no makeup, and yesterday's hair.

I ran in for a quick little trip to my local store, and while wandering in one of the aisles when I heard a friend, "Hello." I barely had time to look up and say hi back before he was on his way down the aisle. It didn't hit me until a few seconds later that he was just some random guy talking to me...and he was really cute!

I managed to see him again on my way out. I got in the same line. When he finished check out, he simply looked up, smiled, and went on his way.


WTF? We totally had a moment!


October 3, 2012

Guys who love Weezer

They seem to just find me.

Let me start out by saying that I never disliked Weezer. In fact, I liked a lot of their songs...in the early 2000's. I love music. And I love guys that love music. But I just can't wrap my head around why guys are clinging on to River Cuomo. Isn't he kind of a douchebag?

photo courtesy of BANDS THAT ARE BETTER THAN WEEZER TUMBLR

Weezer's music seems to attract the males of my generation. They listened to their pseudo-emo songs in high school and thought, "Wow...they totally get me." I can relate. I felt the same way about Britney Spears. That's the same, right?

But this is real. Guys REALLY love Weezer. Their lyrics are proof that guys can be just as emotional as girls...maybe more?? Here's one guy's explanation of "Undone-The Sweater Song."


This song is about sexual repression and being jaded about sex. The protagonist is apathetic and jaded, and ignores people around him because he just doesn't care. The guy he speaks with in the beginning is his opposite, and outgoing flirtatious sociable type. The protagonist used to be like him, but has now become tired of it. Any woman he comes across offers him a relationship and implied carnal relations, but he is too jaded to care, perhaps because of being hurt in previous relationships. The chorus is about how girls want to have sex and undress the protagonist, but he is not interested, and just goes along with it because the girl is doing all the work. "If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as i walk away." He walks away from sex and relationships because hes had it all and it is nothing new or interesting. Basically, it explains how one who has had so many bad, flaky relationships cannot find a true, substantial one. Everywhere he goes he is surrounded by shallow chicks who love him and leave him "undone."- A, Ellicott City, MD


[Cue Lindsay's dropped jaw.]

It's time to move on, guys. If you are over 25, you should probably stop acting (and dressing) like you are still in high school. It's a turn off. Let's go see some new bands!

Sure Weezer makes you "feel feelings," but I'm pretty sure a vagina would feel better.



October 2, 2012

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #6

International Lover

I guess I have a bit of a wild side. If you've been following along for the last two months, you probably already figured that out. A few years ago I gave up everything I knew to move temporarily to Israel...Tel Aviv to be exact. After a series of failed relationships with men who didn't love me the way I deserve, I made a promise to myself to just enjoy my time there without the complications of dating. I was quickly tempted to break that promise within the first week. He was a bartender at the local bar. Typical. 

A male Israeli friend taught me one of my first phrases in Hebrew on our way out. It translated to "I want to f*ck you tonight." Beautiful, right? My friends and I found it to be hilarious and naturally, I had to try it out.

After a few Goldstar beers, I leaned over the bar and called my International Lover over to me. I put my lips to his ear and recited my new phrase. He leaned back. "Do you know what you have just said?" 

Mmm hmm.

I tried to get him to kiss me. He shook his head.



"I will not kiss you in my bar. But I will make you this offer to come home and sleep with me."

Oh how I enjoy the blunt nature of an Israeli man. I instantly chickened out.

"Ummm no thank you?"

I'm all talk...in Hebrew.

October 1, 2012

Does size matter?

Relax, Mom. This isn't a post about penis size. It's about one of my dating dealbreakers: Weight. 

This is a true insight into the female mind. I fully accept that I am showing my readers what crazy thoughts go through my head.

I'm not a tall girl. I can't even imagine what it's like for those girls over 5'7 trying to find a guy online (or in the world) that makes them feel petite. By all standards, I AM petite. I'm 5'3. It's not hard to find a guy that's taller than me. And although I do love me some five inch heels, I would never dismiss a guy for being short. There are many different attributes that made my not-so-tall Aussie seem six feet tall. But I will admit, I am more attracted to tall guys.

The crazy reason behind this is weight. While I am small, I wouldn't label myself as skinny -- especially not by LA standards. I like tall guys because they make me feel little. I think most girls have that desire to feel small in their man's arms. Recently I met a guy who is not-so-tall. I know, I know...I haven't gone through the hilarity of our first few dates on here, and that's mostly because I haven't told him about this blog yet. Oopsies. I've happily put my cutest flats on for our dates because he makes me laugh.

The trouble is, not only is he not-so-tall, he's also not-so-big. He's pretty skinny. Every time we're out, my mind starts drifting to what it would be like if our relationship progressed to nakedness...I might squish him. I would definitely feel like a giant on top of him. Guys, I would rather you have a bit of a beer belly than be manorexic. And I know some guys can't really help that...lucky bastards. 

So here's my dealbreaker: If you weigh equal to or less than I do, it's just not going to happen. If you wear a size small or extra small, you're not for me. It might not seem fair, but you can't help what you are or are not attracted to.

What's really twisted is that I definitely love a skinny hipster in his skinny jeans. He just has to be over six feet!

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