September 11, 2012

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #3

The TJ's Guy

I created two dating rules for myself after The TJ's Guy:
  1. Never date anyone who lives walking distance from your home. 
  2. Never date anyone who works at your local grocery store, unless you are okay with driving further to get food when it all crashes down.
It was like fate kept bringing us together. I worked with The TJ's Guy in 2005. In 2008, he showed up as the "wingman" for a date I went on. The next morning, he showed up at brunch as my neighbor's high school friend. We really hit it off, but nothing came of it and soon after...I moved away from Newport Beach. 

In 2010, we were reunited at Tr@der Joe's, his place of work. I was hiding from The Playboy's ex-gf who hates me when I saw his cute little hipster glasses. Nothing is better than having the girl your ex dumped you for watch you get your flirt on with a super hot guy...even if he is a grocery store manager. 

The next day I received a Facebook message from The TJ's Guy. I saw he was "in a relationship" and was a little bummed. But being we were neighbors, he invited himself over to catch up. Don't worry, it was very friendly. Shortly after, he notified me that he was no longer with his girlfriend, and invited himself over again. I don't remember if it was even summer, but we spent a lot of days together laying by my pool listening to music and drinking wine he brought home from work. I'd say he's responsible for my love of hipster music. And maybe hipsters in general. He had a ridiculously hot body.

A lot of weird shit happened in my time with The TJ's Guy, and this post would be way too long if I described it all. But you should know (and sorry, mom, I know you think this is x-rated), The TJ's Guy was a sexaholic. And I got a lot of rugburns. And he was also a compulsive liar (he never broke up with his girlfriend). One night he texted me to pick him up from a bar and when I declined, he took a cab to my apartment and hopped the fence. He banged on my door at 1am, waking up my roommate and our dogs. Then he freaked out that my dog was "watching us." After that, I had to start driving 15 minutes away to get groceries.

Since he is the ONLY man I truly hate, I'm going to disclose that he had the weirdest penis I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating when I say it SEVERELY curved to the left...even when hard.

When he'd climax, he would announce: "Ya never know where it's gonna go!" and become surprised when his load shot to the left on his sheets. I know! I know! It's going to go to the fucking LEFT! One time I even reached out and caught it. A friend of mine and I named that "The Reverse Spiderman." Think about it.

I sort of want to email him this post. Hey there, TJ's Guy! Remember all the photos you texted me of your crooked penis? I showed them to ALL my friends!

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